Around a year and a half back when I started to write this blog I was never sure of what to write or base the blog on. I still struggle to stick to a particular topic or theme. My interests flutter like a butterfly in a fully bloomed garden and I let it fly to the farthest ends taking in every color, trying every flower and enjoying the sweet nectar of life till it’s satiated to the fullest. But one thing that I was sure about was what I’d name my blog! Into my chaotic mind!
This chaos has accompanied me all my life. I seem to be extremely comfortable in it’s midst. In fact, agitated without. I need my brain to exercise, to delve in pointless or important things all the time! I need people around me. Of all sorts. Good, bad, queer. I need perspectives, I need experiences, I need their wisdom. My seeking soul never in rest, never content.
Even as a child my dad remembers dropping me at school on my very first day. He was extremely worried how I’d react to the school environment. To the crowd, to other little students. In fact a week’s class was already underway and I had joined late. So my mum dressed me up and tied up my hair in a high ponytail and hugged me good bye. Dad carried me in his arms inside the school gate almost unwilling to leave me there without him. The teacher came over and gave me the brightest smile. Her warmth was enough for my little heart to feel at home. I swiftly came down from my dad’s arms and held her hand(so dad tells me), ready for her to lead me into this new experience. The little seeker had found her new adventure.
She told my dad that we had school for a total of 4 hours. but that he could get me in two hours today, because it happened to be my first day. Honestly I have no recollection of what I did. I faintly remember that I had introduced myself to class and had a great time apparently, because when my father returned to take me away with him half way through class, I had refused!
The teacher was in awe but not so much my dad. He knew me! He knew how much I loved being amongst people, meeting them, making new friends! I returned triumphantly, only after a full day of class, and to this day my nursery teacher keeps telling me this story whenever we meet! She’s never had another student who refused to go back home when given an option! School brought me a new day, everyday. New experiences, endless conversation, new things to learn, new hopes to grow with! My little heaven. My safe haven.
So here I am now, a grown woman holding a job. For a full three years now, I have been working in my office for a hassle free project which always grabs the best ratings. I am allowed to be at ease, work only minimally and am rewarded often with praises for doing a great job. Sometimes the reward is more tangible too. But I don’t seem to be happy. The excitement seems to be lost somewhere.
I am practically alone, without a team at this! Hence my extrovert self detests coming into work! My lead sits at Sydney and my Manager at Pune, while I hold the fort at Kolkata alone. My friends have slowly moved out of the city in search for better options, so I lunch alone in my cubicle. Any attempts at making new friends at office has had almost no effect because they’re all busy with work, tired and pressured, almost scared to invest any time in new friendships as they struggle to keep safe even the older ties.
I’ve tried thinking why I had started to resent everyday at office so much. After all, I am this hardworking, goal-oriented girl who does not waver from her duty. But then it occurred to me, I felt lonely. Sitting in a small cubicle, surrounded by at least a hundred cubicles, with hundred people housed in them and yet here I was, feeling that I was all alone in the big office.
I hear their voices, some agitated about a code that just won’t run, some greeting their clients Good morning when it’s 8 at night back here, some quarreling about why their solution is the best to implement both cost wise and performance wise. I hear them too closely and I realize how far away from being those kids we are now.
We have no playtime. We’re almost embarrassed to tell another person that we have a stress free job. In fact we feign to be busy just for our own self worth. We hide behind those pearly whites and expensive suits, hiding how alone we’ve become in a world full of people, just chasing after our own goals, trying to be better at what we do, trying to reach a place that might make us happy, just trying and running, tirelessly!
Embarrassed to stop and smell the roses!
I was smelling the roses too often and for too long perhaps.you’re nobody if you aren’t an overachiever, the world was shouting into my ears ! So I felt the need to be alive again amongst more people, more stakes, more risks.
This peaceful job was not suiting me and my self worth. I want to be one of them, busy people who have a lot to do and achieve. Who struggle everyday to the top of the rocks to stay afloat in the midst of an ocean full of sharks. My life seems too uneventful! Chaos is calling me.
So, here I am, switching to a new project , leaving alone the comfort of the existing one. People have warned me about it. They’ve told me that I would need to work at least 12 hours a day initially as opposed to the 6 hours of work I did, and I’ve agreed. The thought of something new and the thought of finally working with a team is so exciting my extrovert self, I am looking beyond any initial hard work I may have to put in.
But the anticipation is scary now. My impatience is growing by the second. I am at the point in my life where I can’t bear doing any of my existing work, but at the same time I can’t start to work at this new project just yet!
Oh chaos, you’re tiring me now!
In the peace of my bedroom I am thinking hard as to why a sane person would do something I was about to do. That someone would switch lives with me in a bat of an eyelid and here I was running away from my job, from the life I had.
I got up and with a full head of questions and no answers yet to be found and made my way towards the kitchen for a glass of cold water, and there he was, my answer to the chaos. My husband fixing dinner for the both of us and doing his best to hide from my view the candles he got to light on the dinner table for me.
I realized my whole crowd lies in this one man and that whatever comes into my life, however chaotic it gets out here, he will be my solid rock and all I could do at this current moment was to go with the flow. Let life take me where it wants, I’ll go with my rock beside me!
** Thanks for the read! ** Please leave your comments ** My heart is still at unrest and anything you say will do me good** lots of love!**